Movies That Suck: Sharknado

       

Movies That Suck is a feature where I watch a bad movie and share my reactions to it in real time. Sort of like live tweeting without the tweeting. I watch it so you don't have to! This will be spoilery I guess by definition, but since you probably won't want to watch these anyway it probably won't matter? But heads up anyways.  

This week is Sharknado! Yes!! I've been wanting to watch this and my only question is- why did I wait so long? This should have been the first Movie That Sucked! Anyway we're gonna correct that little misstep right now. And I've had several people tell me they LOVE this movie, so don't be offended if I rip it a new one. It's all in good fun! Oh and special thanks to Suzanne at The Bookish Libra for suggesting this one! Blame her. :)   

I don't know what's going on here in the beginning- there's some dudes on a fishing trawler catching sharks, de- finning them I guess, and a storm is coming. And then it's there- that was fast. And there's a shark onboard! And then there's a cyclone and- yeah. Okay. Surfer dude Fin meanwhile is riding some waves and enjoying the, um, scenery on the beach - we get some gratuitous ass shots- and the storm is coming their way. And there's a crapload of sharks heading for shore. Fin's out flirting with some chick named Deanna, who gets promptly eaten, and while she's flailing about in the water like a chew toy no one on the beach seems to notice. Oh and Fin is yelling at people to clear the beach- as he's still in the water. What is he, immune? 

So this is really bad. Like whoever the cinematographer is? Oi. The storm is closing in and Fin calls his wife April- apparently they're separated?- to make sure she's okay. Ah Tara Reid- there she is. Knew she was in this somewhere. I kinda like Nova the barmaid- but she probably won't survive. You know what else is wrong with this? The editing. Like Fin looks out the window and it's storming- huge waves- then there's a shot of the beach and it's sunny and fairly calm- and then a shark comes through the window. Luckily Nova is there with a pool stick to kill it.  

Oh by the way they're in Fin's bar- didn't mention that. He's got a place there on the beach and Nova works for him. Who else matters? Um we have Baz, who's a friend of Fin, and George, a drunk. I guess that's the cast, for the most part. Okay- onward. Oh my gosh this is horrible. Fin's bar- and the whole Santa Monica boardwalk apparently- are trashed now, and sharks are coming in. George saves Nova by bashing one with a bar stool. Fuck- the Ferris wheel is loose!! This is intense. Okay I'm kidding- it's just dumb. But... the Ferris wheel. 

Fin wants to go check on April and his daughter Claudia. Nova apparently has no home now (she lived on the beach?) so she wants to come. That and she has a thing for Fin, apparently. They're en route amidst rain and flooding and oh look- there are sharks in the streets. Swimming about. 

"That's a tiger shark."

"How do you know that?"

"Shark week."

So L.A. is seriously flooding now, and they're about to get on the 405 but oh no! Sharks everywhere! They stop to help people, who are apparently too dumb to run on their own, and George- sadly- becomes deceased. I kinda liked him. Somehow they make it to Beverly Hills, where April lives, but as they get there a shark is seen being ejected from a storm drain. There is no escape, peeps. April and Claudia are like get out of here, Fin, and April's boyfriend Collin is a major douche. Well, he was... he is now deceased as well. Sharks are in the house! Nova is a crack shot with the pump action! Seriously, she's the MVP. Oh and when the shark surfaces or goes back under the water, it makes no ripple in the water. I mean, this is so bad. 

The worst line so far? As they're catching their breath and the house is filled with bloody water, Baz remarks 

"Looks like it's that time of the month."

Okay I'm confused. They hear on the radio that there's a tornado warning, but then one of them says the storm is dying down. Whatever. Turns out Fin and April have a son, too, who's not far away so they go to rescue him next. En route though they have to save some kids in a school bus from sharks. Fin rappels down from an overhead bridge and they raise the entire bunch of kids up one by one. Yeah right- that's happening. Fortunately the rain and tornadic conditions hold off helpfully while this is underway. I love too how from shot to shot the rescued kids are on the bridge looking down, and then they're not- who edited this movie? 

And do we have a love triangle developing? Nova hugs Fin when he makes it back up, and April looks a wee bit jelly! You don't have time for that, people. The waterspouts are coming! I love how cars on the bridge too are just going about their business, don't seem in much of a hurry. Didn't they get the memo? Traffic seems normal. Excerpt for the shark that lands on their roof and bites through it. Nova thankfully saves the day again! She is badass with a shotgun. Okay so they get to Matt, and after weathering a tornado they load up with weapons from a surplus store- chainsaws, a weed wacker, you know, bombs. Well they jury-rig the bombs, okay, but Matt has this wonderful idea to drop bombs into the sharknadoes by helicopter. How would this work? 

So... Matt and Nova (are they a thing?) go up in the chopper, while Baz is preparing to drive the jeep into the storm with some of the bombs onboard, in case Matt's plan doesn't work. The sharknado, at least, seems to be remaining stationary, which is helpful. Why? Who knows? Lots of sharks though. Okay wait. There are three sharknadoes I guess- Matt and Nova take two of them out with the bombs (!!) but the only problem with that is- falling sharks. Luckily Fin has his chainsaw. Oh, and Baz is toast, sadly. 

Nooooo- not Nova! She falls out of the freakin helicopter and right into a shark's mouth. Ack! What TF are they doing??? They can't kill Nova! Well so that's a bust, Matt crashes and it's up to Fin to save the day. Which he does, driving his explosive jeep into the storm, bailing at the last minute. You know, with all the sharks falling from the sky every time one of these tornadoes goes down, maybe I'd just let 'em run their course? I don't know, maybe? 

But wait- there's more. A falling shark is about to get Claudia, so heroic Fin and his chainsaw take care of it- though he gets swallowed in the process. They're not going to kill Fin, though, I guess, and he cuts his way out with the chainsaw. Yeah, I didn't need to see that. And guess who was in the shark's stomach with him? Yup... Nova. She lives. Matt is happy. I guess they're a thing. You know, there's nothing like a shark apocalypse to straighten out relationships, I guess, since Fin and April seem to be back together too. Oh and Matt had to give Nova mouth-to-mouth to revive her- it took like one breath, but whatevs- and she's totally covered in shark blood, so that was interesting. 

Okay, deep breath. I have now seen Sharknado. What surprises me the most is not that it's stupid- I mean, that's the fun of it- but just how badly made it was. Like I imagine a high school film crew could almost do better? I mean you see sharks swimming in the street, then they show a deep water shot of a shark in the ocean- clearly at a greater depth than the previous scene- I mean, it's just bad. Tara Reid doesn't have much to do, but I think she got top billing, and frankly the woman who played Nova did a lot more (and seems to be a better actress as well). But this is not a movie to be analyzed, this is something to enjoy with good beer and your favorite snacks. And the drinking game possibilities are endless. 

So have you seen Sharknado? If not, what are you waiting for? Should I watch more? Please say no.